after prayer, i laid my entire body chest down on the mat
I am grateful for the storm and pouring rain today. But I am so deathly fatigued about everything else in my life.
So I prostrated, chest down, I continued reciting the prayers made after prayers, for forgiveness, for a more compassionate heart, for sustenance in the form of career, or relationship - and really, the usual. My heart remains heavy, even with the prayers, not because I'm faithless, but because despite my faith, I am still afforded this exhaustion.
For my health, for the people who believe they need me, for any semblance of image that I need in order to be able to provide for the people around me.
I am at a loss.
With my career and how I butt heads with people in authority and how I don't believe in the system that exists, but needing to survive within it. With any idea of romance, because I know I am not the subservient partner anyone would want to be, nor do I plan to be. With my dreams of wanting to write, but every time I try to rekindle my spark, something like an inevitable storm will snuff it out.
As much as I want any of it, I have to surrender - that perhaps none of these may be written for me in this world.