"I didn't ask you to do any of that."
I think this should have been my red line.
I have watched people I care for crave to be chosen, only to not be. I have warned them only to be turned away, that I was crossing a line when it came to this person whose validation and affection they sought.
Six years later, the pattern I saw only became more obvious.
I too, realised, I wasn't the chosen one. I was only convenient, and I was safe, and I offered everything so the person I chose could feel lighter. I know this was exactly how the other person I observed became.
It was easy. I knew I was not the chosen one, because when I asked, I was told it was simply because I was there. I just happened to be the right time, offering the right companionship. And I relished in it, I thought that meant we were meant to be.
Until my concerns were often met with ridicule, minimised and occasionally, anger; for being irrational, for perhaps, ruining the only good, and avoidant thing they shared. For being 'jealous'. Despite my clarity and attempts at transparency and communicating all that I wanted, and asking very specific questions. Despite it all, my worth is far less. I know, because I cannot be valued more than a lifetime of camaraderie. But the least of all I wanted, was to be heard and thus, understood.
I realised that my worth is far less that when I did contribute, my name was hardly spoken. It was treated like only one person's work.
So I realised, I am convenience itself. I am comfort itself, but not a sanctuary nor the chalice of relief. I am merely a cup they chanced, with some water on their journey.
And that's how they convince themselves that they are worth the sacrifice.