I listened to all the songs I sang
I couldn't sleep again for the third time this week, and I have an upcoming upload scheduled on sheol. I thought I'd listen to the older songs I uploaded.
The many versions of me, from Yacchi-Hime, to Chou, and Suzuya, and finally sheol. That's not even counting the previous Youtube channel emolicio, where I sang with the name *rikio.
In relation to my previous post, I'm deeply motivated by my romantic pursuits/relationships. I will do anything within my power to use my creative skills and services to serve and strengthen my romantic relationships. Not all needed it, not all wanted it. Some even decided it didn't deserve the credits while receiving it.
Sheol debuted four years ago, in 2022 with a design. My youtubesona had shuffled in terms of design since its inception, so sheol was not the first design. But she was my very first attempt at properly strengthening my branding: leaning into the outcast succubus lore my youtubesona already had but never utilised.
As of 2026, however, I decided to move from that story to something more understated. A butterfly (chou), although the butterfly motif has always appeared in sheol's designs.
Even in song choices, I noticed that sheol was edgy and energetic in 2022, but towards the end of 2025 and this year, I lean into ballads.
Noticing the recent evolution is rather ironic: considering the butterfly choice was something far, far earlier in my online life. Chou was an alias I adopted since the late 2000s while browsing forums, thanks to my love of Fatal Frame 2. But on top of the evolution of song choices and sheol's design, the many aliases I have adopted all but serve to continue evolving over the past two decades, both as a person who exists in the online space as well as the singer.
And not to forget, the relationships that have shaped me to become who I am today.
I wonder if sheol is a sign that I have cemented the singer in me, that she deserves to exist even if she doesn't have my real name while possessing my real voice.
That too, is another topic: when sheol became popular (and ceased to be, after I deactivated and stopped using Twitter), I did receive random remarks. Things like "I don't like it, but it's good", and "weird/unique voice, but I like it"; neither too negative, but ultimately positive considering they took the time to comment without shaming my efforts.
I've been told I should perhaps rebrand into a persona that's more androgynous or masc-leaning as they tend to be more popular, and would help in marketing my talents. However, I don't think that would feel authentic because sheol is so important to me as a fragment of my self-affirming identity, and I find that suggestion to serve the misogyny that persists in the community.
However, I still question the reliability of my voice: from technique, to experience and range. It's pretty evident I have a distinctive tone, enough to make people reconsider listening to it. I think that is enough to make it both difficult to market my voice and that should my audience grow big enough, it would be a major selling point.
Regardless of the objectivity related to my voice, though...
Perhaps I'll continue to grow as a person, as I continue to sing. I do not know if I have the capacity to remain consistent with it, and therefore I no longer dream about making it big as a singer.
I still hope I can sing for a video game at some point or a producer I dream about collaborating with, but I can barely even believe love exists for me - let alone a childhood dream.