Mother's Day
To the second mothers, and those who had to parent themselves.
I'm not a full-fledged mother, other than for having a cat. But I do know I've had to play the role of a second mother, and emotionally parent many, many people in my life, including myself. In retrospect, beyond what I could bear to be. Even today, I still mourn the amount of emotional labour I still perform for others, because it is the state I've allowed people to have me.
It's not that I don't like it - in fact, I perform it because I enjoy it and only want safety for the people around me.
But there are times when I wished I received the same amount of parenting or guidance or even the unconditional guarantee for safety. And because it didn't happen, I had to be my own parent.
And though I tried, the amount of stress manifested a more physical form: I now live with untreatable, persistent illnesses, with a need for constant management, at risk of potential inflammation at any given time. I have become someone "too much" to take care of, even by my own standards. Therefore, it's become even harder to imagine anyone would want to care for me, let alone perform the role of a caretaker or even provider.
That is to say, it isn't that I exist without a support system.
However, all this time, my plight has fallen on deaf ears and will continue to. That I should have simply endured it, and I still have to endure it, and it is easier to pretend that I simply do not have these conditions while I am managing them quietly, because it scares anyone to know that I might be at risk of showing worsening symptoms.
I realised that my burdens will always remain invisible, while I am required to play the role I continue to play for others.
And because of that, I am a mother. Even without a biological child.
So happy mother's day, to the second mothers, and those who parent themselves.