my love life (or the absolute lack of it) part II
I really hope this doesn't become a pattern when it comes to my posts here. I find myself ruminating a lot about my previous post, and I thought I'd just continue the same thought this way, in hopes to find peace in what message I'm trying to deliver.
It is almost 4am, on the 4th of January. The timing feels quaint.
I am writing this to say: it isn't like there is no romance at all in my life.
I'm not sure when it started, but I always had a penchant for romance: the beauty in things outside of myself, because it was difficult to find myself lovely in any form. So those who admired me, those who looked at me and thought I was "beautiful"--they were the ones that I thought "beautiful". Because they saw the part of me I could not see myself, and therefore to me: they were projecting the beauty they already had within themselves.
Somewhere along the way, the dynamic shifted.
In recent days, I feel consoled by my ability to feel so strongly about others' loveliness and beauty. In my rumination, I tell myself that "it is okay" to not be seen as "lovely" by others, because the love I carry was already within myself. Maybe that is why unrequited love resonates so deeply with my soul--it is the rediscovery that love exists regardless of reciprocity.
That is to say, I am not dismissing the importance of having a partner who not only chooses to understand and respect your story, but someone who is willing to learn your language and speak it to your soul. Reciprocal love is the love of the souls that choose to tangle themselves together while they grow in depth and size.
And perhaps this is wild: but I may be drowning in the ocean, looking for ruins to treasure and become a part of its depth.