My mistakes in romantic relationships
Those who know me for at least a decade, know that I've been a desperate seeker of romance: whether it be the rush or the comfort or the yearning. I have been present for all parts of romance, and despite that - I still failed romance with my marriage. Would it be my first, or my last? Who knows.
During my youth, it was difficult to swallow that I have been the reason why I failed any of my relationships. I wanted to last, I wanted to be the one sole person, but I failed, for various reasons. Whether it be youth itself, or essential incompatibility, or even the failure to notice red flags - I failed them all.
The fact is that I was a major contributing reason to why these relationships did not last.
But something that made me realise was that, no matter what you did as a partner (easy, people-pleasing and never-complaining, versus attentive and communicative about problems and without) with someone who isn't there to complement the effort, the relationship would simply not work. Even if the feelings were strong, even if the feelings felt deceivingly right and even if the attraction was real, and much worse: even if you tried to be the healthiest partner in a relationship you could possibly be.
So really, this post isn't meant to be self-deprecating: it is meant to acknowledge I have been toxic, abusive, a liar, manipulative even and I'm sure there were times I have placed little effort in the relationships I've tried to nurture.
My major consistent mistake, really, was placing my self-esteem into the hands of these relationships.
That my value should be in the fact that I am with the men I've dated. And even today, I still want to be yearned for the way I know how to yearn, to be felt and seen as though it is a trial (when it is not, at all), and for someone to rise up to the challenge (like as if I am a trophy). Though my letters said so, it was rarely about how they made me feel, but the status of being with them. There were times romance was definitely involved, don't get me wrong!
Because of this, I tend to make another consistent mistake: I overfunction, because that is how I've always known to exist in every relationship I have. Even if it is invisible, I am calculating the ways I have to emotionally function for people around me. For that, I end up falling off on the edge, and feel "unheard" and "unseen", because of my own doing. I am a yapper on the surface, but I keep track of certain things for the people around me, in order to not cut open certain wounds. In a way, I'm still a people-pleaser, even if I've verbalised trying to work my way out of it.
But needless to say, I am happier today having been able to look at these traits.
I haven't been honest with myself, that I too, play a role in all the ways I've failed. I had such a low self-esteem growing up, I refused to see the ways I could have thrived. And today, I still have the same potential, the same opportunities and working through them so that I can live the life I've dreamed of for myself.
So at least, even in the midst of all the uncertainties... At least I'm certain of myself.