Necessary individuality, agency and "independence"
Someone in my family told me that she knew someone looking for a second wife, whose first wife approved of this idea because she was too busy working, so the second wife would have to be the escort-like company for the man. Though it does translate into an "easy life", I refuse to be a trophy for a man to bring around.
I responded, "I don't exist to keep a man company wherever he goes. I exist so whoever I choose as my partner can also enjoy my company wherever we choose to go."
In the past few years, in my personal pursuit of lifetime companionship (and into the afterlife as believed in Islam), I realised just how unconventional I am if I were to be a wife.
Not obedient, not subservient, not "feminine" by conventional means other than my choice of fashion, not motherly nor gentle nor objectively, a woman known for her religiosity.1 It doesn't change that I am practising and presenting as such, but I am not known among my circles as the "religious" one, more so when I often address the patriarchal and misogynistic issues when it comes to religious discussions.
It doesn't help that I live possibly in one of the most conflicting families when it comes to a woman's role in her family. The women before me led a subservient life to their husbands, who were their providers of shelter, clothing and food. Meanwhile, I lived a life providing, and expected to be educated (but at the same time, not too educated! Because I'm a woman).
The millennial women in families like mine are stuck in the transition generation on "how to be a good wife".
To be a good wife, or feminine spouse is to be not too independent, not too decisive, not too demanding.
But to also be a person who serves the society means to be independent, to be knowledgeable and to know your worth.
By being assigned female at birth, I found it hard to navigate between the two. I still do.2
Then comes the topic of independence, which is far broader than most people are able to acknowledge and discuss.
There was a time when it wasn't exactly normal for a woman to live alone, to drive alone, to attend classes alone - that was me. For most of us, the scaffolding of becoming an adult was to have a school accommodation and share a room with other people, or to rent a place with other people or likely students, and later fellow adults.
That has become a lot more normal now in my society, but in my early twenties - this led to a lot of strange discussions: a friend asking to use my place as a place for their one-night stands so they don't have to pay for hotel stays (which taught me how to say no), people asking if I bring men home all the time, etc. I didn't, and still don't understand why "living alone" often meant that a woman had to be promiscuous.
Therein comes the other discussion: that I'm not "truly independent", considering my living situation. No, I do not pay rent nor do I pay the mortgage, but I do pay in labour, caretaking, and estate management. I'm also a part of the neighbourhood's association. I am still to a degree, financially dependent, but that's a part of religious obligation, and I've been unemployed for at least two years.
I am not necessarily happy with my current living situation, but it's an individual journey written for me by my Creator. I am not meant to be happy with everything, but I am grateful regardless - because I am now equipped with skills that people around me might not have, and I am able to fill in where I am needed. I may not enjoy cooking elaborate dishes the way my mom and people of her generation did, but I can enjoy cooking when I want to, and at the same time, pursue the career of my dreams.
I have the freedom and agency to choose, and that means I also get to choose who becomes my eventual husband (if he chooses to be).
At the end of the day, despite my failed marriage, despite my relationships - I believe in a love that chooses.
In Sahih Bukhari 5090, it was reported that the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers."↩
Not saying that those who were not assigned female at birth don't, but it is the reality I come to face by being assigned female at birth.↩