"but mightn't the gods punish me for such a selfish prayer?"
I was reading Yukio Mishima's The Sound of Waves when I came across a beautiful line for a chapter's ending.
"But mightn't the gods punish me for such a selfish prayer?"
There is only one reason why I think it is such a beautiful line.
It resounds with my current state of mine so much that I feel the weight of the character's feelings. The heaviness of young love, a love yet to blossom is far more light than that of a deeper love, yet there is a burden it carries. It leaves a crease on the heart, stretches the veins that carry the heart a little more due to its increased weight.
To want real love and to want to experience it is always seen to be such a selfish thought.
Regardless of whether or not you live in a liberal or a conservative environment, you are burdened with the thought that it is selfish to want love for yourself. To want love from somebody else, to experience building a family that is true and happy is selfish in itself, because it means somebody accepting you for who you are.
In environments that encourage marriage, there is little to no notion of accepting the partner for who they are. There are almost always reasons why you should change for them, instead of for the better, where it is decided between you and the partner.
In environments that discourage marriage, wanting love is wanting dependence, which isn't how life should be, to them.
In my case, it would be a lie to say that I live in purely one of these environments. The mood changes, depending on what is being said and around who.
What I am aware of is that I'll always feel like I'm selfish for praying for what I want. I am selfish for wanting anything at all, and therefore I am incapable of receiving anything that is good, I should always feel like I am ready to have everything good taken away from me at any given moment.
Basically, it does mean that I do not feel like I deserve to even pray for a good thing. More so when I receive that good thing.
Ah, God, always place gratitude in my heart.