"what is one thing you're afraid to tell people?"
Today, I intend to begin my journey with a lot more direct self-reflection and facing questions head on. Might not do it daily in case the questions don't vibe, but I feel like one step is to at least try?
I am always afraid to tell people what I want, which right now and for most of my time alive - to be needed.
That is unfortunately my curse and what I intend to work on and in the midst of being forward with certain things, I tend to forget to clarify my intentions. However, that is a story for another day, right now I'm going to go deep on how I am afraid to tell people what I want - and what exactly do I want.
In most relationships/friendships I form, I want the feeling of being needed. I don't say that, because I admit it's unfair to want to be needed when I offer literally nothing as a person. That said, I don't want to nurture the feeling of dependence, it's more the fact that I want to be useful to the ones I care about. I may not take every action required they need me to, but I like to do favours for people whose company I enjoy.
With that out there, I have a tendency to feel useless or worthless when I'm not asked of anything aside from my company. It's odd. I know people should want me for my company and should not place my worth on how well I am able to perform for them, but we can place the blame on my childhood, of which most of its formative period included my mom calling me "useless".
When I had my mental breakdown in the past weeks, I realised then that I had been calling myself "useless", because I was unable to put out anything "good", or anything I'm satisfied with. And in that same line of thought, I felt "useless" because I wasn't needed by anyone or reached out by anyone for something I could do for them. Because I was unable to put forth anything that was needful.
My self-worth truly is placed in me feeling productive to be seen and needed, which is dangerous.
My work productivity had also hit a terrible slump because I wasn't getting the information I needed, and not the kind of things I could contribute more efficiently.
However, I just needed time, time to make myself feel needed, and be at the place where I can be needed by my own self.
I'll take my time with healing.