So... Why Gabranth?
I know, no one asked, but I wanted to write this piece anyway.
This is going to be somewhat of an introspection towards my taste in men, both fictional and in real life. Just somewhat, because I'll never know what will happen in the future and what possibilities lay in wait for me.
Introduction to Gabranth
Superficially, it started because Gabranth/Terra was one of the first Final Fantasy crossover ships that I have had the pleasure of writing. I was an aggressive Bartz/Terra shipper thanks to Dissidia, I participated in a fanzine in Japan, and consumed all the Bartz/Terra fanworks, and even formed a long-lasting friendship over this lovely, playful ship!
I wasn't a fan of Gabranth at first (FFXII felt inaccessible, in terms of culture and nuances at that age), but the back and forth I had with a Gabranth writer (shoutout to Vreni!) led to us agreeing they would make for a lovely dynamic. Both lean introverted and withdrawn in their own ways, both having served the interests of an empire, exploited in terms of agency and decision-making. There are smaller nuances that differ between the two of them and how they served an empire, but those are very much the foundation of how they developed the depth of comfort/hurt between the two of them. Where Gabranth expressed more of his rage and grief, Terra explored and expressed her compassion, both of which display the innate hurt they felt from being weaponised as tools of imperialism. Both of them also hold such tender feelings for younger ones, which is so important in realising why in my ship with Vreni - children was not in the formula. I think they would be happy to adopt, though! I wrote about this briefly because someone did ask me on my Terra RP blog from way back when, but I feel like my current answer encapsulates it better (blame my past and youthful inarticulation, and for not knowing Gabranth very well).
Liking Gabranth
Having gone back and forth with FFXII and now deeply engrossed in topics of colonialism and imperialism in my writings, I find myself drawn to the idea of a man who has to examine his role.
Maybe it's because the idea of a man who examines his role in colonialism means he is sensitive and curious. Maybe it's because I just like a man who broods in his armour. Gabranth in appearance is quite attractive, but that was never quite the point, even if it is a notable reason in why I am still attached to him today.
Intermission: Physical Attractiveness
In real life, I never cared much for appearances. There was a time in my past when I considered anyone who was able to see my "beauty" would be considered as physically attractive (and thus, beautiful) to me. Certain "friends" around me at a certain point in time have made it clear that I "did not have an eye" for attractive men, that I was the one who was out of their league. For the longest time, I also believed them, but I think it's past time I grow out of that.
The one time that I did attempt to "care" about appearance was to date someone who cared so much that he made it very clear he would not marry "someone who was below his league". It was a red flag I deliberately ignored because I was attempting to "overcorrect" something that was never quite wrong in my life, yet I did because I had no self-esteem and self-trust in my own knowledge and agency. In truth, I thought it was very shallow. I was right. He could not handle my depth, and I could not fathom the shallowness of his thoughts.
Gabranth's Pains, and What I Seek
Returning to the topic of Gabranth, however, is also the realisation that someone who experienced the pains of caretaking of a parent is likely to be filled with a specific wound, often expressed in the same grief and anger that Gabranth has expressed. He who had to care for his mother after he was separated from his twin brother and father. He who was implied to have watched her wither, and hoping that his twin brother would have looked for him and cared for him while he was at a fragile place, instead of being pushed into a position of power, where he wears a helmet to hide his face, to be the intimidating authority figure wrapped in the fragile protection of the empire he serves. Personally, I find such strong resentment, grief and pain, rooted in the need for a family and acknowledgement, to be an attractive trait.
Yes, I am aware that means having a lot of wounds, and potentially even toxic behaviour in a relationship.
But hear me out: It is a lot more attractive than men who are complacent and chooses comfort above the painstaking act of wrangling agency from their shackles. And to be in a relationship is to acknowledge their wounds as a part of what carves their hardened, or even softened hearts.
The pain, the grief, and the anger, when wielded correctly, can be a strong foundation for growth and decision-making abilities. And often, that leads to a radical choice, and radical choices can be so uncomfortable and cause friction, internally and externally. Granted, not everyone will come out of the bat with the same wounds as Gabranth: for he is actually a very simple character who has his wounds on display, but that is clearly not the case in real life.
Who wants to make it clear they've been hurt by their loved ones? Yeah, that's not a great way to market yourself as a potential partner.
It goes to show that for me to develop any attraction, time and conversation is required.
But having studied and examined how I feel for this fictional man made me realise that actually - he does check my boxes in the most unconventional ways. Even if in real life, as someone who serves an empire he would fall within the "red flags", but again - bringing back the curiosity and sensitivity to question his role and challenging preconceived notions and beliefs is truly the beginning of a discomforting change within oneself.
And this is the pain I'm willing to hold and embrace, should I encounter someone who is also willing to hold mine.