speaking the same language
I have pondered on how initial attraction works for me, and it was at least decades ago that I realised: physical attraction has very little to do with it. (Though it does manifest later, once the initial attraction has formed) In general, I do not notice anyone who does not speak to me. But how then, would my celebrity crushes manifest? (My most recent one being Bae Na-ra, who is absolutely physically attractive, and also a powerful singer.)
"Speaking" here is such a loose word, because I thought about it over and over again and I realise it applies to acting, singing, all forms of arts (which, is my favourite way of speaking), characterising, texting, and really, any, if not most forms of communicating. Whether or not the communication is performed directly to me, or with me, matters very little. What creates attraction is whether or not it resonates with me.
That is to say, not everyone I communicate with will be a candidate for attraction. That would be silly. Beyond the baseline communication, there is another barrier to break: sharing a "language". And once again, this is particularly a loose word, because I share English with most people I communicate with. No, rather, it's how I speak English (with the framework and code-switching to my native language, how easily I can build rapport and inside jokes with the other person, how mutual curiosity and statements are being engaged, etc.), and how well it is received. It doesn't often have to be reciprocated, but enough to be engaged with actively.
In reflecting how initial attractions work for me (and how I develop my crushes), I realised that sharing values in order to build compatibility is something that can be developed and bridged, but it is important to at least speak the same language. Language has particularly strong barriers. It's also an easy thing manipulators and abusers can exploit, especially when they are experienced, and they perceive to share similar experiences with you.
Which brings me to notice why it is exactly, that it was difficult for me to build understanding and compatibility with my ex-husband, with whom I assumed we shared the same language but did not. I assumed that because we came from an international school, and shared the same religion, we would speak the same language, but we did not. Every time I saw a family within our context and tried to visualise us, I would feel a strong desire to burrow myself into a hole, to shrink into my shell. I never opened up to him nor did I feel safe, because I assumed, and he also assumed, because I initiated that assumption.
That is, disregarding any other factors of our relationship: I am willing to blame myself for assuming.
Regardless, no matter how difficult it is, I am determined to speak more honestly, and be more fluent in my language, so that I can eventually communicate with someone who shares this unnamed language with me.