speaking the same language, part II
I drafted this sequel of a post on my birthday, but couldn't get to writing properly up until today because of a fever that took me over. Although my trip was extremely short and that it was only a couple of days (quite literally), a lot has happened both emotionally and physically for me.
I believe what I'm referring to as the "same language" here and my previous post might be relational skills, but as a linguistics and education major, I like to go with my choice of phrases.
In my history of relationships and friendships alike, I've accrued quite a lot of experience in performing emotional labour to ensure that my communications are not misconstrued (it happens when you are a WOC in the online space, more so as a mainlander and not diaspora who may have better knowledge of communicating with the majority of people existing in the online space), in trying to summarise and echo the sentiments presented by my conversational partner so that they feel understood and seen. That is not to say no one has done so with me: it is precisely because I've had the pleasure of meeting those who have that I am able to do so for the people in my life.
Sharing the same language, I realised, requires two parties to be at a similar, if not the same, but of just about enough threshold to hold space for emotional availability and competency to reach cohesion and mutual understanding. Where most people insist that they cannot read minds, the ability to ask/answer the questions for the right information requires emotional availability. However, there are times where one must dull their availability, in order to gauge honesty and sincerity from the other party to avoid being taken advantage of: something I've had the pleasure of learning recently.
I am a generally honest, if not steadfast person, and expect the same from others who want to be around me. There are times when I've received treatment that displeases me, and I like to think I have been quite direct about my needs and boundaries, but times I have seen it also trampled on and toyed with. There were times where I extended an olive branch to ask what is required by the other person, but I was met with an unspoken expectation instead and treated like I have made the choice of being evil.
The matter of fact is: not everyone deserves your honesty and sincerity, or even love.
I have come to a realisation that particularly, after the Covid pandemic, socialisation has become more like a race track of who can make one feel seen first, and not a library of a getting to learn one another or negotiating their "languages" with each other.
Once you have failed the race, there is absolutely no negotiation, no discussion, no space nor grace left. We have become people with no empathy, simply because we believe we have seen "enough". That we have "the people who will not trigger our old wounds", and therefore, "safe". However, this form of safety - I believe - keeps us away from any form of discomfort, and discourages growth.
This (allegedly, based on my understanding) leads to a lower rate of relational skills being developed, and is one of the reasons why dating and friendships have also become exponentially much more difficult for everyone. It's the belief that anyone who causes you any form of hurt is "toxic", rather than simply being human and fumbling along the same road you are slowly sinking in.
But truly, who wants to hear any of that?