the more people believe they know me, the more they don't
and I have to wonder if I'm true to myself, or if I'm still pretending so that I can be liked.
I've heard and read "I thought you were better than this", or "the more I got to know you, the more I realised you weren't who I thought you were" far more frequently than I liked. I value honesty, I do. I value transparency, I do. And I value some of my connections. Unfortunately, I am far too spent. Far too used that I am unable to value all of them.
I realised that a part of it is because by the time I have exhausted myself trying to understand people, that is when people seem to finally attempt to show care for me. It becomes so performative. Then there is the handful bunch that doesn't try at all, because they simply relished in the comfort and space I offer, and nothing else. No consideration nor care nor affection, because they have exhausted the currency that is me; whatever that stands for them. It could mean my creative energy, or my affection, or the way I hold space for them.
When I think about how I must have never been so bitter in my life before, naturally all my bitterness would have accumulated up to this point. Yes, I have never been this resentful before. I have never been this bitter before. I have never been this angry before. Because it keeps piling up. Because no matter how I try to swallow the bitter medicine that I am no longer a person to these people.
At the end of it all, I am only a show. A trophy. Something for everyone to prop up as "theirs", in any way they like.