today and tomorrow
Content warning: pet death
It was on this exact date last year that Pharrell started to show symptoms of surrendering to his weakness. He hid in the drain, refused to come out, and at one point during the night, simply failed to move his body. He was very much conscious, but was extremely weak. I slept with him in the living room and watched as he moved himself throughout the night, trying to prove to himself that he was still capable of walking. Trying to prove himself.
At 11am the next morning, I took him to the vet. He was the most vocal he'd been in his entire life (both he and Wailey are on the quieter side, only vocalising when they really need to), and I couldn't console him. We had just gone to the vet a couple of days before, and he showed signs of improvement and ate his medicine, but it seemed like he too, was tired.
He started panicking in the consultation room, I was asked to wait outside. It wasn't long until I heard the flatlining in my head, I waited, waited until they told me and showed me his body before I allowed myself to tell anyone. But I knew.
I knew it was coming and I knew I heard the thread broke. It was his. He already told me and I already heard him.
I cried my heart out and Wailey kept me company, but he too, was secretly looking for Pharrell and waiting for him too. I told him he's gone. And though they were never the cuddly type, they both mutually agreed to protect me. They bonded over that much.
It was this day that my heart was the rawest, like an open, tender pomegranate.
I realised then that I wasn't happy with the state of my life. That was why I decided to end my romantic relationship. That was when I decided I wanted to step out and enjoy the company of people who were always with me and stayed close to me. To listen to music on stage and watch my favourite artists pour their hearts out. To learn how to sit with the discomfort and also express myself when the discomfort feels like it needed to be shared.
I reached out to old friends, re-established connections I never considered in the past decade to solidify. I started personal projects (like junk journalling and collecting ephemeras from people I love) and now have a love for the analogue more intensely than I had before. I am still awful at completing video games, but I am reading more books than I used to. I completed my MA.
Up until sometime around this day last year, I'd been floating. I wouldn't fault my previous relationship for it, but I did not allow myself to live and be present for the days that I spent. I had let the days fly by with a flimsy cynicism that was unlike myself. Something like hopelessness and a little bit of complacency.
I write love letters and this one's for Pharrell - filled with more gratitude than I was allowed to tell him. I hope he can sense this.